


Tatterhood

by AgrippaSpoleto



Series: Agrippa's collected fairy tales [1]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Canonical Character Death, Eggsy and Daisy are twins, Gen, Getting Together, Gods from DAS SCHWARZE AUGE (THE BLACK EYE), Harry's only around 5 years older than Eggsy, M/M, Minor Character Death, Tatterhood - Freeform, a bit cracky and a lot of fluff, and trolls - Freeform, because I have no imagination what so ever, my favourite fairy tale as a child, narrator is a little shit, no cow was hurt in the writing of this fanfic, probably pre-slash, same age au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 16:04:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12302691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgrippaSpoleto/pseuds/AgrippaSpoleto
Summary: Life is not easy when you're a gift of the gods. Especially when born riding on a goat, wealding a wooden spoon and wearing a ghastly hood. How is this possible? Don't ask! The gods work in mysterious ways.Follow Eggsy and Daisy on the adventure of their lifes. Including trolls, female ship captains, Viking queens and fluffy crown princes.





	Tatterhood

**Author's Note:**

> This is my 'kingsmanly' retelling of the fairy tale 'Tatterhood' (german: Zottelhaube') which was my favourite story growing up. It's quite funny, pretty weird and the end is a bit mean. If you want to read it, you can try this link: http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/norway122.html.
> 
> Beta-read by the lovely Captain Violet and Recycled Lungs. You give me life, guys!

Once upon a time in far away kingdom lived a soldier and his wife. They were called Lee and Michelle from Unwin, a small town in the realm of the Isle of Hart. The Kingdom was ruled by a just royal couple, but they are not important for our story, at least no yet.

Now Lee and Michelle longed to have children but couldn’t have any. They often watched their neighbour‘s children and had also thought about adopting a child from the orphanage. But before they could act on this plan their neighbour‘s son‘s first nameday happened. To this event not only all neighbours and friends were invited, but also the black sheep of the family, an odd woman, far travelled and said to have dabbled in witchcraft, came to visit. She took one look at Michelle and said, already a bit tipsy on Trollean gin:

„You need to fill two large bowls with water before you lie down. In those you and your husband must wash yourselves and then throw the water under the bed in which the two of you sleep. When you look the next day there will have grown two flowers, a beautiful one and an ugly one. The one of beauty you shall eat, the other you must leave! Do not forget that bit or there shall be bad luck!“

After that ominous warning the odd woman winked and wished Michelle good fortune and a lot of patience with her future child.

At first Michelle didn’t think about the woman’s ramblings but when her husband announced that he had to leave for several months on a campaign to fight the trolls from beyond the sea, she decided to try the ritual. So on the last evening before Lee’s departure they both washed themselves in two bowls and Michelle spilled the water under their bed. The next morning, after she said her goodbyes to her husband, she found what the woman had foretold. There in the dark had grown two flowers: a beautiful daisy, white and shiny, while the other one had black petals and was truly ghastly to look at.

As she had been told, Michelle ate the first flower and it tasted so delicious that she couldn’t stop herself from eating the ugly one too. Little did she know that while the gods loved to grant a miracle now and then (it was good for business) they didn’t like it when people became greedy. Some would argue that eating two flowers instead of one can hardly be called greedy but gods are spoiled creatures and don’t appreciate people who talk back (that is why this story only ever gets told under a copper roof to avoid being smited by lightening). At least they granted the little family a few years of joy before “shit hits the fan” as the youngsters say these days.

Nine months later, Lee had come back from his campaign and was now employed by the town guard for the time being. Michelle was ready to give birth and what a birth it was. No one could later truly recall what had happened or how everything was even possible but alas. Michelle and Lee became parents to two children: The first one came on the back of a goat, holding a sturdy wooden spoon in his little hand and wearing a ghastly hood on his little head. It was quite ugly and had an egg coloured skin. As soon as it saw its parents it screamed: “Mama, Papa!”

Michelle and Lee were quite shocked to say the least while they stared at their babe seated on the goat. Well no one can accuse the gods of being without humour, even when standing on the receiving end of the joke.

“Don’t worry, parents, there is another one coming right behind me. You’ll like her”, said the babe into the awkward silence that had fallen over the room. As soon as this was said Michelle was hit by another bout of contractions and a second babe came to the world, without any additional animals attached this time. It was a little girl, glowing like the daisy it had grown out of.

The arrival of the twins, Daisy and Eggsy, as they were named (Eggsy was supposed to be named Gary, after Lee’s father, but since the boy could already argue elaborately, he had vetoed that name) was the topic of the month in Unwin, and who can blame the townsfolk? How would you react if a month old boy in diapers with a wooden spoon in his hand and a ghastly looking hood on his head came riding into your shop on a goat demanding better flour and not “that shite that you feed the rats!”? While Michelle was appalled by the boy’s manners, Lee found the whole ordeal hilarious, even though he would have loved to give boy a good spank on his bum for calling him an old fart but the little devil was too fast on his goat.

The little family of four (five if you count JB the goat) settled into a routine and several years passed. Eggsy and Daisy grew into a pair of lively kids that were inseparable. Where one was the other one wanted to be too. At first this caused a myriad of problems, since it was custom to educate children according to their sex from a young age on to prepare them for their respective roles. But Eggsy and Daisy would have none of that and after a lot of shouting it was decided that they would learn together, a mixed education with sewing and cooking opposed to defence martial arts. Once a week they and the other children in town were taught History and Mathematics by the town’s priest.

And so several summers passed and everything seemed to be in perfect order. But of course it couldn’t stay this way. Remember the royal couple from the beginning? This is the moment where they become important: Harold and Cordelia of the Harts, in their name King and Queen of the Isle of Hart, had ruled the kingdom for many years and were beloved for several peace treaties with the neighbouring realms, even the Trolls from beyond the sea. But not everyone at court shared their vision of equality and diversity. They wished to have all power to themselves for their own gain.

The King and Queen had a healthy son, Harold the younger, who preferred being called Harry. He was a kind boy with an odd fascination for insects and butterflies.

When the Crown prince turned 13 it was custom for him to travel the realm to see the land and meet its people. It now came that Lee was chosen, in appreciation for his long service and considerable skill, to be part of the prince’s royal guard, the Kingsmen. Michelle and the twins were unbelievably proud, since he was the first soldier from a lower class background to ever receive this honour.

But while the prince and his entourage travelled through the coastal area, they were attacked by a horde of trolls bearing the mark of Suada, a Viking kingdom beyond the sea. The Crown prince barely escaped with his life leaving behind many dead soldiers. Among them Lee of Unwin who had shielded the prince with his body and taken several arrows into his chest.

The King and Queen, upon hearing of this aggression, declared war on Suada, a direct consequence of the advice given by Elder Chester. But the smart ones among you have probably already realised that this attack was a deliberate one, orchestrated by those forces that whished to keep the kingdom in endless war. Why, may some of you ask? War is always a profitable enterprise for some and those wish to keep their profits coming.

 

The death of Lee changed everything for Michelle and the twins. While the Crown prince had decreed that the widow and children of his saviour receive a pension, it didn’t reach them. Some forces in the court didn’t like a common man like Lee being elevated or honoured, so they made sure the money disappeared. It is not very difficult to make a bit of money go away.

This resulted in Michelle, Daisy and Eggsy not only bereft of a husband and father but also in dire need of an income. The neighbours tried to help them but with the new war preparations life was getting difficult for many in Unwin. It was even more difficult to find employment that allowed a steady income while being considered honourable, especially for a single woman. Daisy and Eggsy, by now both eight years old, tried to help, but it wasn’t enough. Not when their mother turned to drink in the grief over her husband, and fell into the arms of Dean, son of a baker, turned innkeeper. The man managed to wedge himself into the family much to the children’s dismay. After two years he and Michelle were married and the twin’s life changed again. The innkeeper was a brute on his best days, at least to the children. He set them to work, in the house, the inn and in his little “side” business, robbery and trade of barely legal substances. Still they had each other and their mother (even if she slowly became a shadow of herself) and drew courage from that.

When they became older life steadily got more difficult. Daisy grew into a beautiful woman and Dean smelled a lucrative marriage contract somewhere. Eggsy, while aware that his sister preferred to fight her own battles, couldn’t let that happen to her without trying to protect her. So he did whatever Dean asked of him, took the blows, threatened, stole, burglarised for him. His sister was furious when she found out, but nothing she said could make him stop protect her.

Then on a Yule’s eve it came that a horde of troll women came into the town of Unwin, to revive the old custom of the Yulehunt. Eggsy had been out on JB, delivering a package for the innkeeper, and was surprised by the ugly creatures. He didn’t really mind the deviation from his normal life and trashed the trolls with his trusty wooden spoon, looking quite intimidating on his goat with his ghastly hood on. Daisy on the other hand was worried sick for her brother and armed herself with a frying pan to help him. Ignoring her mother’s protests she left the house and cut through the trolls till she reached Eggsy.

“Come on, brother! We need to get to safety!”

Eggsy meanwhile hadn’t had this much fun in ages and therefore had no desire to stop or go home. The innkeeper would only ask “what do you do here, Tatterhood?”.

Daisy tried to grab him and this took her attention away from the troll witches for a second. One second was enough. On of the troll women snatched Daisy’s head and exchanged it for a cow’s head. You didn’t expect that, did you? Well, neither did Eggsy. Stunned to the core he stopped beating the trolls and ran to his sister. The troll witches however took off and fled with Daisy’s head. The moment both the siblings regained their bearings, the trolls were already gone. Eggsy cried for being so stupid and Daisy hit him harshly on the arm.

“We need to get my head back!” said Daisy and got up.

“How?” asked Eggsy dumbstruck.

“We were born out of bloody flowers, Eggsy! We are a gift of the gods! Getting my head back should be easy!”

Eggsy couldn’t help but smile at his sister’s outburst. She always had seen the whole ‘gift of the gods’ thing much more positive than him. Well, she wasn’t the ugly one born on a goat, welding a wooden spoon and wearing a ghastly hood all the time. She wasn’t the one coming from the flower that their mother wasn’t supposed eat. He was Tatterhood, the harbinger of bad luck.

“Quit brooding over things that aren’t your fault, brother! We’ve got a boat to catch.”

Daisy grabbed his arm and JB’s horns and dragged them both to the big road heading towards the coast.

“Shouldn’t we say goodbye to mum?”

“I don’t want her to see me like this. We will send a letter for her later, saying that we ran away from Dean.”

Eggsy jumped on JB’s back and helped his sister up.

“Don’t you think that is a bit cruel?”

Daisy licked her cow nose with her blue tongue.

“What has happened to us in the last years, what we had to go through, was cruel. We should have run away much earlier. Maybe this will wake her up.”

Eggsy hadn’t realised how bitter his sister had became but didn’t argue. It was the truth after all. And who knew, maybe they could make a fortune beyond the sea and save their mother when they came home!

It took them several days to reach the harbour town Morton. Daisy was wearing a cloak, a big hood concealing her, as she insisted on calling it, temporary face. They had to search quite a while to find a captain who would take them to Suada, especially when having only so little money. But they did find Captain Roxanne (“call me Roxy”) from Morton, who commandeered the ‘Sea Poodle’ and was willing to at least listen to them. She listened, took one look at them both and then wretched the hood off Daisy’s head.

“Been out during the Yulehunt, haven’t you? I don’t know if you are insane or just stupidly brave but I will take you there, if it’s the last thing I do.”

During the journey the three young people got to know each other better and realised that they had a lot in common. Rebellion against societies, restrictions, and gender roles, for example. At the end of the crossing of Cold sea the three of them had become firm friends.

Unknown to our heroes there was another boat headed to the coast of Suada. On board was the Crown prince of the Isle of Hart. Remember him? Yes, he was the one saved by Lee from Unwin, father of our wayward flower twins. He was on a secret mission for the Queen, his mother, herself. Her Majesty, being fed up with the men constantly shaking their sabers at each other, had sent her son out with a proposal for a peace treaty to present to the Viking queen of Suada, Tilde. The prince completely agreed with his mother that Elder Chester was a warmonger and not interested in anyone’s gain but his own. Well, there was a reason why the aristocrats developed weak chins, he tended to say.

 

The ‘Sea Poodle’ arrived a few days before the prince’s ship and Eggsy, Daisy and Roxy wasted no time to scout the area and locate the castle of the Troll witches in a matter of days. It didn’t take them long to find Daisy’s head standing in flower pot (the irony wasn’t lost on anyone) on a window ledge.

The three developed a plan that involved JB the goat climbing the castle walls, Roxy fencing her way through the corridors, Eggsy’s lock picking skills and Daisy armed with the frying pan. Needless to say the four of them left mayhem in their wake, but they managed to snatch the flower pot with Daisy’s head in it. Eggsy held the pot close to him while hitting the trolls with his wooden spoon. Beside him JB, Daisy and Roxy fought their way out of the castle. Even though they succeeded in fleeing the fortification, an angry horde of trolls pursued them further.

After what seemed an eternity, they finally arrived in the harbour town. Without really taking in their surroundings they tried to reach the ‘Sea Poodle’ only to be stopped by soldiers under the banner of Suada and the Isle of Hart. The troll queen, upon seeing them being arrested, called her horde back and returned to their castle.

Meanwhile the four offenders were brought before the royal diplomatic company. They must have made quite the picture, kneeling before the Crown prince and the Viking queen: A ragged goat, a woman with the head of a cow, an ugly man with a wooden spoon, a ghastly hood and a flower pot containing a girl’s head and a female captain with no hair out of place.

“What is the meaning of this? Why do you deviants try to stop the peace negotiations between our realms?”, the Viking queen addressed the ragged company before her.

“Your Royal Highness, we must apologize profoundly for our intrusion, but we didn’t try to sabotage anything. This is a simple case of misunderstanding.” Roxy spoke calmly and collected.

Only to be interrupted by Eggsy. “We know nothing of your negotiations. We’s just here to get my sister’s head back that your troll witches stole from her.”

He showed the Crown prince and the Viking queen Daisy’s head.

“You don’t expect us to sit by and let her spend the rest of her life with a cow’s head, do ye?”

At this point Roxy cut in to vouch for the truth of their story. The Viking queen became more agitated.

“So it is true. The Troll witches have repeatedly raided your realm without our knowledge and our permission. They have broken the treaty between our people. I will take care of this!”

Queen Tilde rose from her seat and called her most trusted advisors to meet in council.

“Prince Harold, I will entrust these people to you, while I attend to this matter immediately. We will reconvene first thing tomorrow. And in Firun’s name, make sure the girl gets her head back.”

With this the Viking queen left the tent, so Crown prince Harold called for food and a physician in hope to make their ‘guests’ feel more welcome.

The physician managed to get the cow head off Daisy and put the right one in place. Eggsy could only just hold back his tears of joy upon seeing his sister whole again. Then the prince asked them to join him for supper and for some time one could only hear the noises of people eating with gusto.

“Can I ask your names? It seems that your intrusion managed to speed up the peace negotiation considerably. I wish to know who to convey the gratitude of the Crown which will be certain”, said the prince after a while.

“Gratitude of the Crown! Whatever!” Eggsy could barely keep himself from snorting into his wine. “We know the ‘Gratitude of the Crown’, we do. A firm ‘andshake and empty words!”

The prince was visibly taken aback and Roxy stared wide eyed, shocked by Eggsy’s harsh words.

“Pardon me?” replied prince Harold dumbstruck.

“That was all we got when our father died protecting the royal family!”

The prince got up, clearly confused and shaken. Daisy, in a desperate attempt to save the situation, spoke up. “We are Eggsy and Daisy from Unwin, children of Lee. He died nine years ago fighting trolls”.

Understanding dawned on prince Harolds face. “He saved my life… But what you say isn’t true. While We could never even try to replace the loss, We still decreed that his widow was to be given a handsome pension, so that at least she hadn’t to worry about their financial situation”.

Gripping his sister hand in support, Eggsy lifted his gaze to the prince and went on: “Did you ever check? Did it ever occur to you that we may not have gotten anything at all? Is it so comfortable with that silver spoon up your arse that it doesn’t occur to you, that people might not do what you tell them to do?” Eggsy’s stare was ice cold. “Especially when there’s money involved?”

The Crown prince couldn’t do anything but stare back dumbly at young man with the wooden spoon and the ghastly hood.

“Didn’t think so...” And with that Eggsy left the tent, JB hot on his heels.

“Please, your Highness, forgive my brother. When our father died, we lost so much, especially Eggsy. The latest years were harsh. Not many people look past the tattered hood and see the true beauty hiding under the seemingly ghastly face. Father did see...”

The prince contemplated Daisy’s words and decided that he needed to follow the ghastly but intriguing young man who spoke such bold words to a noble. It was weirdly refreshing and stirred the long forgotten longings of a naive youngling. And didn’t the most beautiful butterflies tend to have to ugliest larvae?

Prince Harold followed Eggsy to the beach, where the boy sat with his goat.

Harry said, “I wish to apologise. As a member of the aristocracy one easily forgets that some things need to be done personally to be done right.”

The prince only got a grunt in reply. Sighing he sat down next to the young man and the goat. It immediately started to lick the prince’s finger. He chuckled and Eggsy seemed to say something that sounded suspiciously like ‘traitor’.

“Why do you ride this ghastly goat, anyways?”, asked the prince, not longer able to back his curiosity.

“Oi, bruv, don’t you dare insult my loyal friend; has been born with me he has. He’s the most beautiful mount you have ever seen, mate!”

And truly, as he spoke those words, the goat became a beautiful mount, not that Eggsy had ever seen him as anything else. The prince gasped when he saw the beautiful steed and patted his head in wonder. The mount still licked his fingers. A little while later the prince asked: “Why do you weald this stupid spoon?”

“Oi, what’s it with you insulting my things, bruv. This is the best dagger a lad or lass can ‘ave.”

The spoon turned into a beautiful dagger fit to be carried by a king or queen. Encouraged by this outcome, the prince asked again: “Why do you wear such a ghastly hood?”

And again, Eggsy answered: “Oi, have you nettles on yer eyes? It is the most handsome beret you have ever seen this side of the Great sea”.

From this moment on the prince only saw a tasteful beret with a not so tasteful feather attached to it. The prince etched closer. “Why is your face so pale and ashen, why is it so ghastly to look at?”

The prince pressed on, already seeing the wonderful man hiding under the ghastly exterior, waiting to be released. The mischievous but still kind boy, Lee always had talked about, when he still was alive.

“I am just as beautiful as my sister, but no one takes the effort to look for it...”, answered Eggsy staring out at the sea, not wanting to look at the other man. The prince gingerly touched his cheek and prompted him to turn. The wondrous look on the prince’s face made Eggsy ask his own question: “What do you see, your Highness?”

“I see a man, who is loyal, who wants to do something with his life. Who cares for his family and friends. Who wouldn’t want to hurt a soul but who protects those he cares about fiercely. I can only hope that one day he will at least care a bit for me because all these things make him the most beautiful person I have ever met.”

The smile that bloomed on Eggsy’s face was hesitant and shy, but prince Harold had never seen a more beautiful site in his entire life. He vowed to make sure that this wonderful creature never ever had to feel inadequate or ghastly again. Realising that he still had his hand on Eggsy’s cheek, the prince blushed and for the first time since too long he felt like he was just Harry, the young man who liked butterflies and didn’t like princesses the way he should have. To stop himself from planning on how to break to his mother that he would either marry a man, who was born on a goat, or not marry at all, he took his hand away from the young man’s cheek only to grasp his hand. Eggsy on the other hand did not feel different but he could sense that the prince saw him differently. And while it had stopped bothering him how others saw him a long time ago, he had to concede that it felt really amazing to be seen and to be accepted just the way you were, the way you saw yourself.

He still held on to the prince’s hand when the other man spoke again. “I’m sure all this, the war, the trolls, is Elder Chester’s and his ghastly nephew’s doing. They have never really liked change. Was really pissed when your father was chosen to serve as a Kingsman.”

“He sounds like a truly vile man, bruv… I mean, your Highness.”

Harry winced. “Please call me Harry. Your Highness makes me sound old, and I definitely do not hold brotherly thoughts towards you.”

Eggsy laughed and blushed at the same time. Harry loved the sound.

“Well, Harry, it seems there’s still much to do between Elder Chester’s court intrigues and Queen Tilde’s efforts to stop the troll raids”.

Eggsy got up and helped Harry up.

“Truer words have never been spoken. But I hope with the help of my new friends we can establish peace between the realms again. And when this is done, I will woo you, Eggsy from Unwin. Properly.”

“Of course Harry. Looking forward to it.”

Together they walked back towards the tents of the diplomatic envoy.

“Eggsy, why do you wear such a ghastly orange jacket…”

“Fuck off, bruv.”

 

 


End file.
